Insideout

I want to clarify my last post, while it came off rather shallow that is not entirely what I had intended. There is truth to me disliking my physical appearance, the shape my body is in and my nutrition is not what it should be, I am disappointed in myself for that but more importantly I was trying to reflect on my mental state. Inside I'm torn up, about some many things, how I look physically would, honestly, just be scratching the surface of my personal issues.
In my last post I was trying to express that sometimes, I am really happy, it shows itself not just in how I look outside but in my smile, my eyes, my laugh. I spend so much time lamenting my past and worrying about my future that I don't take full advantage of the present wonders around me.
When I see myself as a failure it's because I look at what I have done, I have done nothing but live, maybe I wouldn't even call it that, rather, I have done nothing but slumped along through my life looking at opportunities and adventures pass me by because I'm too caught up and trying to figure out who I want to be.
I want to be able to make the small decisions, play through the mini adventures and let who I am unfold along the way. The more I meditate on who I am the more I dislike what I see, there is a greater purpose for me, there has to be, because if there isn't what is the point or significance of my life.
In my 22 Years I have done nothing, I have been no more than a reflection of Nieitzsche's "The last man" in where I stumble around looking for comfort and contentedness rather than striving for creativity and ambitious goals.
Now though, now I want to try for something, to reach high and while I have all these ideas I don't know how to go about doing them. I want to see the world through volunteer work but I don't have the money to go anywhere, I don't have the college degree to join the Peace Corp, I'm lacking in many ways to travel in today's society. I thought about biking across the nation, taking photos, meeting new faces, but I don't know how to safely go about starting, not to mention how to I leave loved ones behind.
Does anyone have any opportunities for me, any words of advice to where I can go do and what I can do?

It would all be much appreciated.

What May Come --The New Year

Being on the cusp of the New Year I have been thinking a lot about where I stand in the world, what I have done in my life and how I feel about who I have become. Obviously, being somewhat of a negative Nancy, I have a tendency to always feel ugly, fat , and self resentful so of course I looked through all the photos I have, bringing back many memories of 2013, both good and bad.  
In doing so, I came across this one (above photo); when you look at it what do you see? For the first time in a long time I looked at this photo of myself and saw a beautiful person with a lovely smile, this girl looked playful and happy. However, I remember in that moment I wasn't as happy as I should have been, I was still feeling ugly and disliking myself. How is it that I can reflect such a cheerful disposition and bubbly smile while beating myself up on the inside? These are questions I ask myself every day. I feel more ugly, lazy, unmotivated, and angry than I think I have in the longest time at this very moment and I just wonder why, why cant I see what everyone else sees, why can't I see the me that came out in this photo every day I look in the mirror?
The year is up, and yet again I have nothing to show for it. There are no really close unbreakable bonds I have forged, nor a career I have worked into, there is no schooling I have finished or money I have made. Every New Year I decide on a resolution to try harder to make money, to be more dedicated at art or work or writing but that's why I have gotten nowhere every year, because I neglect myself. During 2013 there were times when I thought I was attractive, but like falling leaves those single moments got lost in the clutter.Why do we let the small, beautiful things, and positive qualities and ideal moments pass us by so frequently and yet so unobserved or appreciated?
This is my New Year resolution, myself, my small moments, my inner peace and self love, I want to appreciate the little things in me and about me, so that I can see this photo every time I look in the mirror.   


Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and look forward to the New Year, no matter what is to come.
                                                       WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF ME

When the Winter comes

When the winter comes we all feel it… the pang seasonal depression, some of us are alone, some of us are lost, some just unhappy in our situation. When the winter is here we are left indoors to sit and contemplate all of these circumstances. Yet, we are also filled with a giddy, childish joy for those holidays we all love, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, but the years are not kind to people. As we age, we seem to lose something more valuable than the wisdom we gain. Is it because we no longer get all the presents or the candy, or is it that we have done it for so long now, the decorating seems more like a chore, buying gifts seems like a waste of money, and the holidays appear a cooperate scheme rather than a joyous occasion.
There it is, us being adults, us being mature, well what fucking good has that every done? I'm tired of the phrases, the stereotypes, of such phrases as: "Grow up”, "Welcome to adult hood”, "Act your age.”, "Get a job, work hard, be a real man/woman." , "You're no longer a child."
These words aren’t telling me that I am wise, I can take on more responsibility, I know what’s best for others and for me rather than what I want, sure that’s all true as you age but what I feel these days is being an adult is losing joy, playfulness, humor, and creativity. Our society as put such a weight on being an adult that there is no joy in it any longer, and don’t anyone dare tell me it’s part of being a fucking adult.
What does it actually mean anyway… the difference between adult and childhood? We all just assume that its knowledge, knowing right from wrong, being able to make the difficult decision, gaining more responsibility, etc. However, I see the title as a stigma. There is nothing grand to adulthood; I have seen more cruel actions from a grown man than from a child, more judgment, and more hubris. The truth, as it seems to me, is that this facade of adulthood creates a crippling illusion of not only entitlement but of burden. I’m in my twenties most of the time I go on about the good old days of childhood, I’M STILL A CHILD, and yet I miss when I had less responsibility, less stress, less of the world bearing down on me and telling me I had to do things a certain way, and fit into a certain mold to manage my way anywhere through life. I don’t hate being twenty two, I just don’t like feeling like because I am twenty two I can no longer have fun. Part of it is the economy for sure, I mean what time do I have left to have fun when the only way to really be able to afford my own living is to work 10+ hours a day, but I’m going to go ahead and say that’s nothing more than an excuse.
I don’t mean to go on and on, however, it’s a touchy subject, I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know what to do about the economy, about the government, about the debt. All I can say is the only way we can get through it is to stop, for a minute, for ten, and enjoy watching the leaves fall. FUCK, play in the leaves, blow bubbles, have a snowball fight and go inside to a cup of whipped cream and hot cocoa. There is nothing so much different in adult hood aside from knowledge, and responsibility so isn’t it the most important time in our lives to embrace the childishness of our lives, of the world. When the stress is bearing down on us, and society has failed us, shouldn’t we feel the right, the desire, to be children once more, after all it wasn’t the bodies we miss having, or the house we miss playing in, it’s the feelings we had when we woke up, the desires to do nothing but play and enjoy every day. To make it simple, I’m twenty-two and I’m deciding, no matter what the job, to put a little play back in my life. There is nothing wrong with acting like a child, it doesn’t make you selfish, nor ignorant, as long as you play like a child and keep the respect, manners, and knowledge you have learned as an adult.  

While I wanted this to sound smart, short and sweet, I rushed it to get it out and I'm sorry but I would love any comments on how you feel on the subject of societies stigma in defining adulthood. 

Freedom & Vacation

I'll keep this short and sweet so that I actually get something on here finally after so long. :)

I am such a horrible blogger, I need to become more routine at this if I want followers and friends on here! My public apologies to any readers out there.

Anyway, part of my absence was due to my small week long vacation with my sister. It was surely a good start to my happiness project. I was able to go back home and visit family, free myself to the day-in-day-out mundane routine of work and the gym. In fact I didn’t work out, I ate and ate, I lounged in the sun, I spent money frugally without worry of what money “Stands for”, and tried to let stress and concern fall deep down behind the forefront of my mind.

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

Beauty can be observed in every day, with every image, you just need to look with the right lighting, through the right lens. 

Eat, feel, work, love, live...better

I have been reading much on books about self advancement, self improvement, self love and I have been thinking much about my own self love.

The book, eat pray love, the happiness project, the Earth diet, it makes it all very clear: eat better, feel better, work better, love better, and you simply will live better. I feel like there are all aspects of my life that I do not appreciate, do not love, and feel like I need to and can improve on. After all, it’s not so much what you have or how influential you are but rather what quality of life you are living. So I need to focus on every day quality. You all must know those moments, those memories like snapshots in a photo book, something just slightly forgotten but the feeling of it, the emotion still lingers as a nostalgic desire for something just like it to come back. I want every day do have a snapshot moment, even if every day does not beckon a far off traveling adventure. We should all need and want to enjoy the simple things, a long walk in the park engulfed by the canopy of trees and the sounds of birds locking you into the moment, as the hot summer breeze sticks to the back of your neck where the sweat drips. Those walks where you laugh and giggle at ridiculous jokes and chase down small baby bird along the river. I want to be able to enjoy what I eat without feeling guilty, enjoy who I am and absorb the smaller pleasures in even the everyday mundane life so that I feel better. After all, not everything must fall into the tedium and redundancy of everyday life. Every day can be a new experience, as long as you’re willing and open to try. To take the full pleasure from my life I need to enjoy even these small hours, where I’m spending working and sweating myself to death in a job I hate to get to where I want to be, because if I ever get there how would I ever appreciate it if I didn’t have fun, didn’t love, and didn’t work hard on the way there.

That’s why I need to dedicate myself to one goal at a time not prance around from one fickle idea to the next, never digging my heels in, never finishing the job. I need to focus on one project, one task and get it done, no matter how much I don’t like it because there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, and hell even if there isn’t there was a least a small adventure, at least a new experience and something to talk about before I move on to the next goal, the next far off dream that I had always though improbable.

Just recently I have been making a practice in enjoying the little things. While I still disdain how I look and still loath where I am in life I’m trying to enjoy the days I have off, to play, to love, to eat even though I am poor and don’t have all that much money. Last weekend I went on a hike with my boyfriend, something simple turned into quite a story. We broke down a truck, wasted the first day, then the second broke down a second truck, insisted on still going, hiked up to geyser lake, started to fish before it poured down on us, hiked back down and then went all out at a steak restaurant just because we felt like it and because I weekend went so bad and just from seeing it all through by the end of the day we were laughing and having a great time. I loved it, and I hope for moments like that all over the world on day. That’s how I’m working on feeling better…letting the bad roll off of me, letting the guilty moments come and then just as quickly letting them go. My first goals to dedicate and focus on is eating better and Feeling better. While I still plane on working on my physical shape to make myself feel better I also plan to try and let the negativity roll off of me, just come and go and love the moment, love the small things and enjoy myself and do what I feel like doing in the moment, as well I will strive to eat better to by cutting out all refined sugars and trying to eat as organic and raw as possible. Through eating better, feeling better, working better, and loving better I hope to overall strive to live better and feel happier. 


Like the picture  below, they are only an hour away from where I live and yet I never go see the enough. It's the little things that bring the greatest happiness, to slow down, relax and enjoy the people, the nature, and the environment that is all around you. That is a feeling I have almost lost, the awe in the beauty of the world around me... washed out by the media and electronics. (Continued in Blog post three....Untill next time.)

Inspiration can lead to motivation

Recently I just put down two great books. Have you ever heard the same information and advice over and over again but you just don't listen until you hear it put in that perfect way, from the right source, and then it's as if an epiphany hits, strikes you down like lightning? "Yes…Yes, that is exactly what I need to do!" Regardless of if you’re familiar with such an experience, it is what happened to me - somewhat- . 

Recently I have come down with a serious bout of depression while contemplating my life, my future, my past and current successes, and prospects. The more I think on it the more disappointing I become with who I am and the bleak outlook my future presents. I don't want to drag my health and my emotional self down with depressing thoughts and outlooks on life and I have sought out so much advice from family, friends, strangers, as well as books, and while all have told me relatively the same thing I always asserted that my situation wasn't that easy, that it can't just be so simply fixed. Every week I would give myself a goal for the next two weeks or for the month, a health goal or fitness goal (health and fitness have become more and more important to me over the years) and yet every time I wouldn't stick through, I would cave and I would blame it on lack of will power, lack of motivation to do so but the truth is somewhere deeper inside… I just continued to crave failure, so I had a reason to complain and a reason to be depressed. 

After putting down my first book 'The Happiness Project' By, Gretchen Rubin certain things others said and she said started to click into place. There are so many things I want to do in my life and I beat myself down by not trying them, by saying I just can't, I don't have the money, I don't have the time. In truth, we always have the time; we can make it, for doing the things we love, the things we crave. We need to gamble on ourselves a little, try new things, invest in farfetched hobbies of ours, and be confident about our dreams and goals; we will get there if we put forth a bit of effort.

Gretchen's book resonated very well with the second book I picked up 'The Earth Diet' By, Liana Werner-Gray. The most inspirational, motivating content of both books was when they spoke about loving who you are, the body that you have and the situation that you are in for what it is now but don't be content with it, don't settle in with it, it's not where you will be forever. You will continue to grow and improve and change, and as long as you stay positive, think happy, eat happy, and work happy you will continue to live in an environment of positive growth and achievement. For myself, my body image is always been a detrimental foe toward my mental health. To be perfectly honest, while what they said makes so much sense and really helps me think about my life in a different way the change isn't that instant. I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror and smiling, thinking that I'm beautiful. I still have issues with stress eating, binging, beating myself down, thinking negatively, etc. more often than not, but now a lot of the time I can tell myself to stop and think about quotes from my books to help me fend off the negativity. I love the stories and perspectives these women have to offer others, to help others and someday I want my story to be one of dedication to life, to change and to self improvement, spiritually and physically. I want to learn to love my body for what it is while still living in the atmosphere of constant growth and improvement. As Liana Werner-Gray said “If you do feel guilty then feel it for a few moments, feel the pain of it and then shift yourself to feeling good.”.

The biggest obstacle in my life is my negativity, my attitude and my lack of willingness to get down and dirty to get things done. These are the reasons I wanted to start my own Happiness health plan, after all the foundation to being happy is to be healthy physically and mentally.

I crave a life worth something, filled with adventures, friends, stories, and most importantly self-discovery. I hanker for more than the tedious 8 to 5 job and the monotony of everyday running about of my ordinary life. More than anything I want to fee fulfilled, I want to find that something worth wild in this crazy fuckery of the world. I suppose that is why I started my blog, to start exploring, to hear the advice and stories of others, to hold myself accountable to my possible readers to continue to push myself forward in improving physically and mentally and work on making my dreams come true. After all, I want the fullest and grandest experiences from my life that is possible, doesn’t everyone?  

I’m curious, how many others share my similar struggles, and similar desires? Who out there has changed their outlook, and health because they just no longer wanted to be dragged down by their own self perceived limitations? I would love to hear your stories for I just started my long journey to self-discovery and even though I have been motivated I seem to be moving at a snail’s pace.