In doing so, I came across this one (above photo); when you look at it what do you see? For the first time in a long time I looked at this photo of myself and saw a beautiful person with a lovely smile, this girl looked playful and happy. However, I remember in that moment I wasn't as happy as I should have been, I was still feeling ugly and disliking myself. How is it that I can reflect such a cheerful disposition and bubbly smile while beating myself up on the inside? These are questions I ask myself every day. I feel more ugly, lazy, unmotivated, and angry than I think I have in the longest time at this very moment and I just wonder why, why cant I see what everyone else sees, why can't I see the me that came out in this photo every day I look in the mirror?
The year is up, and yet again I have nothing to show for it. There are no really close unbreakable bonds I have forged, nor a career I have worked into, there is no schooling I have finished or money I have made. Every New Year I decide on a resolution to try harder to make money, to be more dedicated at art or work or writing but that's why I have gotten nowhere every year, because I neglect myself. During 2013 there were times when I thought I was attractive, but like falling leaves those single moments got lost in the clutter.Why do we let the small, beautiful things, and positive qualities and ideal moments pass us by so frequently and yet so unobserved or appreciated?
This is my New Year resolution, myself, my small moments, my inner peace and self love, I want to appreciate the little things in me and about me, so that I can see this photo every time I look in the mirror.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and look forward to the New Year, no matter what is to come.
WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF ME
Part 2 -
ReplyDeleteDuring 2013 there were times when I thought I was attractive, but like falling leaves those single moments got lost in the clutter.Why do we let the small, beautiful things, and positive qualities and ideal moments pass us by so frequently and yet so unobserved or appreciated?
This is my New Year resolution, myself, my small moments, my inner peace and self love, I want to appreciate the little things in me and about me, so that I can see this photo every time I look in the mirror.
For the upcomign year, I hope you educate yourself further, bring about inner qualities that you feel could bring about contentment and then happiness.
Here is the thing - i grew up with these things - buddha said -
there is suffering -
suffering is caused by desire(predicated on many things) -
there is a path to be free from suffering -
the path is Eight fold path - Right view, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, concentration. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path
You loved the top photo and I love the picture with you and puppy. It doesn't mean that I didn't like the others rather it means that it didn't speak to me personally. Even I didn't like any of the picture - WHO CARES.
Think of these question
What makes you happy?
Did you enjoy your sleep last night?
Did you dream?
Did you smell things today?
Did you hurt someone today?
Did you help someone yesterday?
What did you learn today? interesting fact?
What i am asking here is to ask you to ask yourselves the questions that gives you different answers and different feelings.
I begin with the post about meditation, I am not talking about energy, chi etc, West people take it way too far at least from my experience.
meditation helps to to habituate into examining your thoughts which then effects actions and relegating those which clutter your mind.
Now let me write this - I love that you can write well, and that is what I wish to improve. I have struggled with English language and it is something that I am working on - although not hard enough, but I don't stress on it. I am chipping away.
You are being honest with your feelings, that takes balls, I appluade that. Whether you are honest in real world - I don't know but I want you to know is that what you are feeilng is as much of a product of letting yourself get weaker while outside norms/media/people dictate your feelings. We are born with physical traits - some we can alter others not but if one builds foundation on looks it will not end well. There are countless horribly disfigured people, some not happy, some happy, same goes for super gorgeous people, some happy others not. If you can see right then and there - Mind plays more when it comes to happiness. Love yourself, love others.
How about looking in the mirror with a smile and showing more kindness for the precious little time we have on this earth.
How about if your memories still services you well - Write 5000, 10000 etc words on the ALL the good things that happened during jan1 2013 to dec 31 2013? Look back at some of your calender, schedule, facebook post, etc
you may had cool conversation with someone, you may have wrote something wonderful, have made a new food, or tasted a new thing, etc moments, think and think and think about etc, If you can't remember now, you will not remember in 20 years but if you start writing down all the good things now - you will see that there were positives things and acknowledging that. Don't forget it is not a point to hold onto rather - acknowledging those who have made these memories joyous, saying thank you to them doesn't hurt and thank yourself too. Then look to create more precious and joy memories. That is all.
You can delete this. I am good at deleting things.
Thank you for writing this - I enjoyed reading this post
I don't know who you are or what you wish beside few things you have wrote.
ReplyDeleteI hope reading things from below doesn't bring you sorrow.
Being on the cusp of the New Year I have been thinking a lot about where I stand in the world, what I have done in my life and how I feel about who I have become. Obviously, being somewhat of a negative Nancy, I have a tendency to always feel ugly, fat , and self resentful so of course I looked through all the photos I have, bringing back many memories of 2013, both good and bad.
=> This is what came to my mind, Meditation. It is way to practice ourselves to examine. What I see in the West is that people are examining once around this time of the year. If you take on the practice of meditation more frequently, you will see more of the positive qualities, memories, and beautiful things.Your post deals with insecurities that our society faces. Used to be it is okie to be old and now even people in their 60's feels the need to get facelift, hair transplant, liposuction, botox etc list goes on. It's all extrinsic. Fighting against time and human nature.
In doing so, I came across this one (above photo); when you look at it what do you see? For the first time in a long time I looked at this photo of myself and saw a beautiful person with a lovely smile, this girl looked playful and happy. => It pleases me that you like this photo.
However, I remember in that moment I wasn't as happy as I should have been, => I wasn't as happy as I should have been? I don't understand this concept/sentence.
I was still feeling ugly and disliking myself. How is it that I can reflect such a cheerful disposition and bubbly smile while beating myself up on the inside? These are questions I ask myself every day. I feel more ugly, lazy, unmotivated, and angry than I think I have in the longest time at this very moment and I just wonder why, why cant I see what everyone else sees, why can't I see the me that came out in this photo every day I look in the mirror?
What you are as human being and what you look is two very different things. There is no correlation in the two. Smile can cover heartache and evil doers can be charismatic. I first would like for you to understand the concept of genes. It is what is it. Nothing more to it especially when it comes to extrinctic qualities. I am not saying you are ugly or beautiful rather this is not important. If I were your good friend, I wouldn't think about your looks, rather your inner qualities are the ones that matters.
The year is up, and yet again I have nothing to show for it. There are no really close unbreakable bonds I have forged, => this is one thing that is important and one that takes time and effort. Also life happens and circumstances can make it more difficult but it is one worthy endeaver. Don't force it.
nor a career I have worked into => after schooling or/and understanding your strengths better can that be fruitful.
there is no schooling I have finished => I wish you best of luck on this endeavor but don't get in humongous debts.
or money I have made => without proper education or skills it will be another year.
Every New Year I decide on a resolution to try harder to make money => try harder at schooling or going to trade school. making money by working without skills or education will tread in cycle of low pay.
to be more dedicated at art => release yourself here, you write well, on the off times express yourself through words, sculpture, painting etc do it with love and if it brings money - wonderful otherwise there are you and you have improved & enjoyed in the process of creating these.
or work or writing but that's why I have gotten nowhere every year, because I neglect myself. => acknowledgement & acceptance, wonderful